


The Only Reason

by realmsoffreedom



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, Kidnapping, Rape, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-25 11:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1646792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/pseuds/realmsoffreedom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Even though my dizzy head is numb, I swear my heart is never giving up...you're the reason, the only reason."</p><p>Ashton is kidnapped- and the impact it has on his brothers- is something they may never recover from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I was originally planning this as a Big Time RUsh fic, but I thought about it some more, and figured it could also work as a 5SOS one. This is kinda AU- they're still in the band, but it's not nearly as big as it is right now. And the basic backstory to Ashton's kidnapping is that his father took him, and he's been gone for eighteen months. This is my first time writing for this fandom, so kudos and comments would be greatly appreciated- thanks in advance.

Luke has officially run out of tears. There is reason to cry- but it sees like he physically can’t. His tear ducts are empty, but the feeling of loss stays with him. Its pain will never run out- that grief rolls in the pit of his stomach, its daunting claws gripping his mind with each step he takes. There is no escape from the monster inside of him- the one that prowls his mind, sending demons to strike at the worst possible times. Running on a hamster wheel is entirely counterproductive- no matter how hard you work, you won’t get anywhere- and that is an exact representation of Luke’s feelings. He’s tried so hard to ward off the demons- but no matter what he does, no progress is made.

 

It had never occurred to him, never once crossed his mind- how hard they would fall with only three. Many groups can go on with only three members- the Three Musketeers are a prime example- but 5 Seconds of Summer is only able to survive as a quartet. A quartet that has been missing the last person for eighteen months. Eighteen long, agonizing months.

 

Eighteen months doesn’t seem like a long time- but that’s only through a glance from the surface. Surviving without the glue that holds them together is conveyed in a mixture of emotions, all blurring together. In Luke’s eyes- one particular emotion sticks out, and that is numbness. Emptiness- the feeling of being completely hollow of any emotion. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t hurt when he slices sharp metal through his soft skin- not anymore, at least.

 

It’s thought that the remaining three people will grow much closer- if the fourth is missing, gone, or anything of the sort- and honestly, Luke _wishes_ that would’ve happened to him and his friends. If anything, they drifted further apart- so much so that any memories he has of Michael are shrouded in the numerous arguments they’ve been subjected to.

 

One person can have so much impact on life- and that honestly scares Luke. Ashton’s kidnapping has affected all of them in such a negative way- suicide seems to be the only way out. The only way to cope. And he honestly doesn’t know how he’s held himself together for eighteen months, but Luke is done.

 

Strength comes from desire- if you want to reach a goal, you will have the strength needed to achieve that height. Luke’s goal is to die- and the spell-binding truth is that he has more than the amount of strength needed to kill himself. He could do it and make it look like an accident- cutting too deep mistakenly isn’t hard. He knows that every time he presses the blade to his wrist- there is a chance that he could cut deep. There’s a chance he could kill himself- and although it is a thought meant to scare him- it only feeds his desire. He is full capable of killing himself at this very second.

 

And it can be done in just one fluid motion.

 

…

 

Calum doesn’t know when things got this bad. He has no idea when every day became a fight. A fight for survival- a fight, just to get through the fourteen hours he spent surrounded by people. The other ten were supposedly for sleep- but Calum can’t remember the last time he’s slept properly. It’s all a blur- he’s been accustomed to exhaustion- used to feeling like he could drop dead at any second. And he wishes he could say it’s because of stress- he fucking wishes he could claim it’s because of loud noises the neighbors make when he’s trying to sleep at night. But that isn’t the case.

 

He lays awake- contemplating the exact day Ashton was taken. Images of Ashton- locked in a dark, dirty basement- cold, hungry, and bleeding- they flash in his mind like a horror movie. It’s all one hundred percent real- and that’s what gives him so many nightmares. Even if Ashton isn’t locked in some dirty basement, he _is_ still getting tortured in _some_ way. If he’s alive- that is.

 

Calum isn’t a pessimist. In fact- he’s known to be the light that guides their group through the darkest tunnels. But it’s hard to be any type of optimistic, when the missing fourth of your group has been gone for eighteen months, with no sign of return. Calum has no idea whether he’s even _alive_ or not. And that’s what fuels his incessant fear- that is the reason for Calum’s breakdown. Losing Ashton- to death- would break him in ways he isn’t sure human beings can be broken.

 

And if he’s being overdramatic about his- so fucking be it. Try losing one of _your_ brothers for eighteen months- and see how _you_ cope. In his eyes, Calum’s surprised he’s managed to hold himself together for this long. Maybe it comes with being the leader- locking up every emotion possible, until the pressure rises up, and he explodes. That explosion- Calum knows it’s coming. He knows that there will be a day when he erupts- like a volcano, and it’ll _terrify_ Michael and Luke.

 

He always thought that _he_ was the glue holding 5 Seconds of Summer together- but it is actually Ashton. Ashton was everything to them. Mediator, protector, comforter- he wasn’t just a pretty boy obsessed with girls and his looks- although that was the perception of many. God, Ashton was so much _more_ than that- and Calum hates that no outsider saw how amazing he really was.

 

He hates using past tense to refer to Ashton. But as of right now- the assumption that he’s dead is accepted. They don’t _know_ whether he’s alive or not- so people have begun to assume him dead. They’ve killed him. Calum should be angry- he should be fucking _furious_ \- that people have the audacity to say something like that about a brother of his.

 

But maybe- just maybe- Calum has started to agree with them.

 

…

 

Michael is sick of pretending that he’s okay. He’s sick of acting like he’s accepted that Ashton isn’t coming back- because there is a part of him that believes that Ashton _will_ come home. There’s a part of him that believes that Ashton is just waiting for the right moment to grace them with his presence again. To mend the scars, and heal the wounds, and make them whole again. And when did it become a crime to hope? When did it become a crime to have some kind of faith in his brother? He knows that Ashton is strong. And he knows that his brother will _not_ go down without a fight.

 

And then the statistics take effect. He’s been gone for eighteen months, with _no_ mention of whether he’s even on the planet or not, anymore. And to a lot of people- that is enough to consider Ashton dead. And Michael just wants to scream in their faces- he wants to protest, that Ashton _is_ alive, and that he _will_ come home _._ He won’t let his father kill him. Ashton is alive- Michael _needs_ to believe it.

 

But both Calum and Luke have lost hope. Luke lost it the _week_ after Ashton was kidnapped- turned into an angry, bitter asshole. He changed so much- and Michael wants his old best friend back. Calum’s changed too- becoming a lot more withdrawn and quiet than he used to be. It’s almost as if he’s _scared_ of Michael and Luke. But Calum is never scared, so that doesn’t make any sense to him.

 

But really- Michael is just broken. A former shell of himself- withered away and just plain shattered. Ashton completes him- and he has no idea what to do with himself, now that Ashton has been gone for so long. He feels so incomplete- like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without the jelly. That’s just plan _wrong_ \- isn’t it? Just like it’s just _wrong_ for him to exist without Ashton. This entire situation is fucked up.

 

Michael just wants things to go back to the way they were. He misses Ashton more than he can even say- and he doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to survive without him. He doesn’t know how much longer it’ll be before he kills himself- how much longer it’ll be before the build up of pain is far too much for him to handle. He can tell it’ll be soon. Michael is just tired of being strong- tired of trying to hold himself together, when there’s no point.

 

There’s no point in living without Ashton. Ashton is his older brother- the reason he used to get up in the morning. Ashton had the power to cheer him up when he was upset, the power to help him get girls, and mainly the power to keep them from falling apart. And it’s obvious that they _need_ him. He can’t stop fighting with Luke- even though it’s completely pointless and over useless shit.

 

Now…how exactly can one commit suicide?

 

…

 

Ashton is an absolute mess. Exhaustion plagues his fever-ridden mind, as he attempts to shift his body into a position that is not positively painful. The darkness of the basement isn’t helping- he can barely see two feet in front of him. The only time light hits is corneas- is when…when… _he_ …drags him upstairs, and does _things_ to him… Things Ashton could only classify as vile, disgusting, and purely _sick_. He doesn’t know how his father can be such a cruel, sick, and twisted man, but he’s feeling the effects of it.

 

He’s been through a lot- so much pain and torture and pure agony- he knows that it’s been over a year. Over a year since he was taken from his bedroom on that snowy night. He’s seen the missing person fliers put up outside for him. He knows how broken his brothers are- it’s obvious that they are not okay. His father has made sure to fill him in on every last detail- and even though it isn’t the way he’d prefer to get information- he’s getting it somehow.

 

Ashton is in pain- that’s a given. He’s traumatized by what’s happened to him- that’s inevitable. But part of him is just hanging on for the guys. For Calum. For Michael. For Luke. Part- no, all of him- is just hanging on for them. He has hope that he’ll be found- and he promised himself he wouldn’t be found dead. That he’d survive this- and be able to reunite with the brothers that he loves so much.

 

His father’s beatings are more than anything a human being should have to endure. Sometimes- he’s beaten until he’s left absolutely dizzy, his body going numb- but he swears to himself- his heart will never give up. And maybe that is the only thing keeping him alive right now- his strength to fight. Calum, Michael, and Luke have suffered more than enough- it would shatter them- to find him, only to realize that he was dead on arrival. And Ashton is firm about this- he cannot do that to them. He cannot break them in every way possible- because that is what his death would do to them.

 

Physical and mental strength combined- Ashton is doing his best to keep himself alive. Wracking his brain for the medical information that Luke has reiterated many times over- that’s saved him. He’s remembered how to set a broken bone- how to stop bleeding, etc. And he’s managed to patch up his wounds to the best of his ability. One could say he owes his life to Luke- because if it weren’t for the smaller blonde’s insistence on drilling medical techniques into their heads- mainly because of how worried he was about them injuring themselves, Ashton would’ve probably bled out a long time ago.

 

Sure, he’s numb with pain, and his body is riddled with scars of the torture he’s been through in the past eighteen months. But his heart is never going to give up. And as long as there is breath in his body, Ashton Irwin is going to fight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wasn't planning on continuing this, but your kind words got to me, so thank you. It'll be short, not more than five chapters, but it'll become a fic. Heavy trigger warnings for suicide and depression. Enjoy.

“I don’t understand the point of this anymore.”

 

Luke’s voice is as cold as the snow clinging to their shoes- empty and bitter- a deep and dark contrast to the light tone he formerly adopted.

 

“The point of what?” Calum replies, shoving his hands in his pockets- as they walk the down-trodden path toward their house. It’s a house- not a home. Home is where the heart is- whereas a house is just a structure in which they live. Home is where the heart is- home is where _Ashton_ is.

 

“Life,” Luke mutters. “Anything, really. Ashton is like, the sun, and we’re the Earth. Without the sun, the Earth will die- as in all life will be obliterated. So what’s the point in trying to move on and make it seem like we’re okay without Ash- when we all fucking _know_ that isn’t going to happen- no matter what we do.”

 

“Is every goddamn sentence that comes out of your mouth- filled with morbidity?” Michael grumbles, shoving his hands in his pockets and keeping his gaze stagnant on the slush covered ground beneath their feet.

 

“You probably don’t even know what morbidity means!” Luke scoffs, rolling his eyes.

 

“It means death. Ashton is fucking _dead_ to you,” Michael shoots back, his voice rising in anger.

 

“Dear God, will you two _cut it out_?!” Calum cries in exasperation. “Every single goddamn thing you people say doesn’t have to end in a fight. Ashton would be _ashamed_.”

 

Michael and Luke fall silent after Calum’s outburst, and the only sound really heard- is the crunching of their boots in the snow. Calum sighs heavily, rolling his eyes. Honestly- Ashton would be able to patch up these unhealed wounds with a single touch. A single embrace would calm Mikey and Luke’s angers. Ashton wouldn’t have fallen this hard- given the situations be switched. He would be able to take care of the other half of their group.

 

It’s only a matter of minutes, before Michael provokes Luke again, and Calum just gives up.

 

…

 

Luke stares at the razor blade in his hand- eyes dark and sharp with obvious agony. Eyes fixated on the dried blood in the corner- he turns the weapon over a few times- fascinated by its power. The mere razor holds the power to kill him. One slice, and he’s done for. The thought interests him- appeals to him.

 

He glances down at the traffic below, dangling his legs on the edge of the roof. Any normal person would have some kind of fear- especially if they were in the position he’s in- sitting on the edge of a roof, at least five stories above ground. But Luke’s mind holds no fear- only desire.

 

Letting himself fall off the roof would satisfy ever craving he’s had in the past eighteen months- from the very moment they found out that Ashton was gone. Living without Ashton is indescribable agony- and Luke is just done.

 

Even though his relationship with Michael is strained- he knows that Michael loves him, deep down. He loves Mikey, after all. The older guy is a brother to him- and although they’ve fought countless times, ever since Ashton was taken- they still care about each other. Michael would be wrecked if he committed suicide- not to mention Calum.

 

Luke just feels like nothing is ever going to get better. They’re never going to find Ashton- and even if they do, he’ll probably be dead or quite close to death. There’s no hope- nothing left for him in the world.

 

“Hey.”

 

Luke makes no move, even though he does hear Michael’s voice. Maybe if he’s quiet, Michael won’t notice him. Not necessarily not noticed, but not acknowledge. Luke is in no mood to talk to _anyone_ right now- and he has absolutely no energy left to fight with Michael.

 

“Luke?”

 

Michael sits next to him, and Luke doesn’t even realize it- but as soon as his older brother’s warm body slides in next to him- he leans close to Mikey, relishing his warmth. Michael doesn’t give any reaction to it- instead surveying the view, his eyes wide with trepidation.

 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Michael whispers.

 

Luke nods slightly. “The thought of falling is even more appealing.”

 

“It is, isn’t it?” Michael sighs. “Any normal person would think we’re crazy.”

 

“We’re not,” Luke assures him. “Just empty. Lost, you could say.”

 

“Do you think he’s okay…? Alive…?” Michael’s voice catches in his throat, and Luke just wants to shut down right then and there. He’s done. Finished.

 

“I don’t know,” Luke replies hoarsely. “I hope so.”

 

“Me too.” Michael scoots closer to the edge, and it sparks a sense of alarm in Luke. Is he going to do it? Is that why he came up here, to say his final goodbyes?

 

It’s as if Mikey reads his mind. “No, I’m not going to fall off. I just really like the view. I wouldn’t do that to you, Lukey, I love you.”

 

“It doesn’t seem like it,” Luke says bitterly. “I thought you hated me.” His voice is laced with threatening tears- as a lump forms in his throat, effectively choking him up.

 

Michael rolls his eyes. “I don’t think that’s possible, Lukey. I was just angry. Angry about Ash-”

 

“Don’t say his name,” Luke pleads, his eyes growing desperate. “Please, I can’t take it.”

 

“Oh, Luke…”

 

A stab of pain shoots through Luke’s heart, and he forces himself to push everything back in. _Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t feel. Don’t show weakness, you sick fuck. You don’t deserve to. It’s your fault. You should’ve told someone. Told the police. Got help. Ashton’s gone because of **you**._

“Luke?” Michael’s voice is hollow with anxiety. “Luke, are you okay?”

 

And Luke can barely hear him over the thundering of his thoughts. Angry and cruel voices slam into him, reminding him of everything he’s done wrong in the past year. Their suicidal threats haunt him, as he shakes his head wildly, trying to clear it.

 

“GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” He screams, but it’s as if all they can do is get louder.

 

_It’s your fault._

_Go die, Luke._

_Fall off the roof._

_Michael wouldn’t save you._

_He hates you._

_Everyone hates you._

 

“Luke, what the _fuck_ is going on?!” Michael cries, hands on his shoulders. He shakes him to try and get Luke’s attention, but the young blonde is lost in his thoughts, lost in the demons his mind has stuck upon him.

 

And then they’re gone as quickly as they come, and Luke is left staring at his older brother, tears brimming in his eyes.

 

In one motion, Michael pulls him onto his chest, and Luke is done. He buries his head in Mikey’s chest, the tears coming faster than he can stop them. “I’m so sorry,” he cries. “I was an asshole, I’m sorry, I love you so much. Please don’t leave, I need you, it hurts Mikey, please…”

 

“I know,” Michael says gently, rubbing his back in small circles. “It’s okay. I know. I love you too. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

…

 

When Luke and Michael reenter the house, Calum first notices the tears staining their youngest brother’s cheeks- and that ignites alarm in his body. His first thought is- what the hell did Michael do?

 

But then he sees Luke press himself into Mikey’s side, his eyes fearful, and relief washes over Calum’s mind.

 

“Hey guys,” Calum says. “Are you good now?”

 

Michael nods. “We talked. We’re fine. Luke’s not, though.”

 

The alarm flares back up, and Calum stares into Michael’s emerald eyes. “What do you mean?”

 

“He’s been hearing voices. Telling him to kill himself. He’s,” Mikey chokes up a little, his voice catching in his throat. “He’s not okay.”

 

“I don’t think any of us are,” Calum replies hoarsely. He leads them over to the couch in the living room, slumping down on it, and waiting, as it sinks with Luke and Mikey’s added weight.

 

Luke shakes his head slightly, hiding his face in Michael’s shoulder, and Calum feels the tears burn his eyes. Their strong Luke is so vulnerable and broken- without Ashton. They’re an absolute mess, without Ashton. They need him- and now he’s gone, and they’re beyond falling apart.

 

“We’re a mess,” Michael whispers. “A fucking mess.”

 

“We need Ashton…” Calum sighs heavily. Luke flinches at the name, burying his face further in Michael’s shoulder.

 

“Don’t…say his name,” Michael sighs. “Luke can’t…I don’t think any of us can handle that…”

 

“I want him back,” Calum whimpers. “We need him back.”

 

Emotion overpowers him, and soon, he’s turning and hiding his face in Mikey’s other shoulder, tears falling at a rapid pace.

 

And Michael just sighs, wrapping his arms around both of his broken brothers. He brings them to fit comfortably on his lap, burying his face in their hair. “C’mon Ash, please come back to us…we need you…”

 

And finally, Michael begins to break as well, tightening his arms around his brothers, as all three of their bodies shake with the force of their sobs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so, I've got a lot of this written already. Thanks for the kudos/comments, they really mean a lot.
> 
> And this is kinda AU- Mikey's father is a cop in this. I know that's not how it is in real life- but he is a cop for the sake of this story. Alright, trigger warning- rape and abuse. This chapter's not long, and I ended it at a place you'll hate me for, but next chapter's truly the one you guys have been waiting for. Enjoy.

Thudding footsteps have become Ashton’s worst enemy.

 

The sound means that _he_ is coming down- and that doesn’t bode well for Ashton. Firmly ingrained in his brain are simple sounds- simple phrases to many- that precede or succeed torture. One phrase in particular sticks out to him- that refuses to leave him alone- you’re not a person, you’re a disease.

 

If Ashton had a dollar for every time his father said that to him, he’d be a millionaire. He’d be able to escape and buy a plane ticket, straight back to Sydney. He’d be able to see the brothers he loves so much. He’d be free.

 

When these thudding footsteps hit- they are much louder and a lot more forceful. Belonging to more than one person- and that only confuses the utter hell out of Ashton. It’s always been just him and his father- what’s going on?

 

A thought slams into him- and Ashton visibly gags. There have been instances when his father has brought “friends” in to help. As in- Ashton’s been gang-raped before, and goddammit, that’s not even close to fun.

 

But that thought is warded away- when three uniformed men join him in the room.

 

One of them- is Michael’s father.

 

Ashton has no words- not for a while. He’s finally free. After over a year’s worth of torture, pain, agony- and fear. Spell-binding and throat clenching fear. He survived it all, and Ashton is not surprised when his throat closes up, and his vision goes blurry, distorted, almost- from the tears burning in his eyes.

 

“Papa…” Ashton croaks out, his voice absolutely wrecked. “H-Here…”

 

“Ash?” Papa Clifford’s voice echoes off the hollowed walls, and Ashton nods slightly- before remembering that he’s completely out of sight, and Mikey’s father can’t see a nod. He lifts a shaky hand, and watches as footsteps trek over. Ashton’s tears finally break the barrier- seeing a familial face. It’s been eighteen months.

 

“Oh my god…” Papa Clifford kneels in front of him, his face pale- eyes wide. He reaches out, and Ashton grabs onto his hand- treating it as if it’s a lifeline.

 

“You found me…” Ashton whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

“Oh, Ashton…” Mikey’s father swallows hard. “Can I lift you? We need to get you out of here.”

 

Ashton looks hesitantly down at his battered body. “Everything hurts, Papa…”

 

“I’ll be careful, I promise. The paramedics are on their way. You’ll be okay, buddy.”

 

And so, Ashton nods slightly. The fear remains in his eyes, as Papa Clifford leans forward to gather his broken body into his arms. Ashton lets out a loud whimper, as the elder man straightens, backing away from the dirty corner of the room.

 

…

 

When he sees Ashton’s body, Officer Clifford is beyond heartbroken. This boy is barely hanging onto life- after being utterly _tortured_ for a year and a half. He knows by just looking at Ashton- that he has multiple broken bones, some set improperly- meaning they didn’t heal right. His body is littered with cuts and scars- his hair is significantly longer, and he’s completely dirty.

 

“Call the boys,” Ashton whispers. “Call my brothers. Please.”

 

And if his heart wasn’t shattered before, now, it absolutely breaks in two. Officer Clifford sighs heavily. “Ash, you need medical attention. You need to be checked out mentally, physically…and we need a rape kit done…it’ll be a while before you can see them.”

 

Ashton tenses. “No, please. I _need_ to see them. They’re the reason I just didn’t let him kill me. I’ve been hanging on only for them. Are…are they alright…?”

 

He wants to lie to Ashton- to calm his fears and sooth his worries- he wants to say yes, that his son and the other two- whom he also considers sons- are alright, but he knows that Ashton isn’t stupid. The boy has seen more abuse than any human being has to endure- he can tell when someone’s lying. “No, Ash…they’re really not okay…”

 

Ashton’s body goes rigid in his arms. “What’s wrong? Tell me.”

 

“It’s not my place to say, buddy. Tell you what, I’ll get you to the hospital, and call Karen, tell her to bring the boys over. And I can make sure you see them, and probably allow them in the room- if they want to be, that is- when you’re being examined. Does that sound alright?”

 

Ashton considers this, and after a few moments, he nods.

 

But as Officer Clifford carries his son’s best friend up the stairs, he notices. He notices Ashton’s flinch at every noise, his death grip on his uniform, when he sees his father- everything. He notices how truly shattered and damaged this boy is- and how much work it’s going to take to attempt to bring back the old Ashton.

 

…

 

“Mikey?”

 

Michael looks at his mother hollowly. “What?”

 

Luke is cradled in his arms, the younger blonde’s face hidden in his chest. Calum is sitting next to him, his arm wrapped around his shoulders, and his head laying in the crook of Mikey’s neck.

 

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but boys…” Michael notices the tears streaking his mother’s red face, and alarm sparks in him. “They found him…”

 

Michael’s body goes rigid. Calum lifts his head off his shoulder and stares at his mother, jaw gaping. And Luke lifts his head up, his lip quivering. “That’s not funny, mum, please don’t joke about something like that.”

 

“I’m not, baby, I’m not,” Karen replies. “Your father was called out on a case for a man hoarding illegal drugs, and when they checked his basement…it was Mr. Irwin, honey, they found Ashton. He’s on his way to the hospital right now, and he begged to see you guys.”

 

…

 

They’re running into the hospital, tears streaking their cheeks. Bodies trembling violently, they follow Michael’s mother down a series of hallways- as she flashes her husband’s badge to every nurse or doctor in sight, granting them immediate access. Karen stops at the entrance to the ICU, and Luke’s stomach sinks.

 

What if Ashton’s about to die? Found, only for them to watch him die moments later. Officer Clifford meets them at the entrance, and Michael runs into his father’s arms, sobbing into his uniform.

 

“No, no, Mikey, buddy, calm down. Ash is fine, I promise. He’s waiting to see you guys. They have to do some tests on his brain- make sure he’s mentally healthy. He’s broken his wrist, and he has a limp on his right side, his father broke his leg, and it wasn’t set properly, but therapy can fix it.”

 

“Dad…thank you…” Michael whimpers. “Thank you so much…”

 

“You don’t need to thank me, buddy,” Papa Clifford replies gently. “Go ahead and see your brother. You three have suffered long enough.”

 

Luke chokes back a sob, rushing forward to hug Michael’s father as well, and Calum joins him. They stay like that for a couple seconds, before they’re released.

 

“Go see him.”

 

…

 

When Michael pushes open the door, Luke is absolutely terrified. It’s been eighteen months. A year and a half.

 

And then the door fully opens, and nausea and an overwhelming amount of emotion bubble up in Luke’s body. He stands rigid, staring at the boy in the hospital bed.

 

_Ashton_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's the last chapter. This was meant to be a short fic- so there we go. Also- I am in the process of a new story for 5SOS- which also involves 1D, and possibly even BTR. It's a mental hospital AU- painful yet fluffy- it'll probably become a Lashton and Malum fic. I'm going to post it this weekend- so look out for it!

“Hey,” Ashton whispers hoarsely. He stares at his brothers, heart shattering. Mikey’s father was right- they’re definitely not okay. He can see it plainly by their body language.

 

Mikey is pale, dark purple bags under his eyes. His cheeks are stained with tears, and his hands are shaking. He’s got an arm around Luke’s skinny shoulders- and that’s the next point of alarm in Ashton’s mind. Luke is trembling violently, his face a pasty white colour. He looks much too thin, in Ashton’s eyes- like he would snap if someone hugged him. And finally Calum. His eyes are dark and full of agony- broken and bruised. His entire appearance screams for help- and Ashton just hates how badly this has damaged his brothers.

 

After a long moment of them staring, and Ashton fidgeting uncomfortably, he breaks the silence. “Are you planning on just standing there, or am I getting some hugs?”

 

And it’s as if his words spark something in Calum. The exhausted boy shakes his head to clear it, before walking hesitantly over. He stands at Ashton’s bedside, staring at him, making sure this is actually reality.

 

“Hey, Cal,” Ashton says gently. He lifts his shaky arms for a hug, wincing when he moves the broken one.

 

“Ashton,” Calum sobs. “Oh, Ash…”

 

“Calum,” Ashton whispers, as Calum finally heaves himself onto the bed, and straight into Ashton’s arms. The feeling of being able to hug one of his brothers is surreal.

 

“Ashton,” Michael chokes out, removing his arm from Luke’s shoulders and dashing over to the other side of the bed. He throws his arms around Ashton’s body as well, trembling and sobbing into their oldest brother’s hospital gown.

 

“I’m okay,” Ashton whispers. “It’s over. I’m alright.”

 

“You were gone for eighteen months, dammit Ashton, you broke us!” Michael cries, his tears soaking into Ashton’s hospital gown. “You broke us and it hurts so much and I hate you but I don’t because it wasn’t your fault but god fucking dammit Ashton!”

 

Ashton flinches. Yelling has become a horrid trigger for him- and though Mikey has no idea- his words still send off alarm signals in his mind, and Ashton can’t think straight. “Please…stop yelling at me, I’m sorry…”

 

Mikey recoils as if Ashton’s hit him- eyes wide and scared. “I’m so sorry, Ash, oh my god, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that, I just…”

 

Ashton smiles shakily. “Don’t stress over it. I know what I did to you guys…just please be careful around me for a bit? He was…that was utter torture, it’ll be a while before I recover mentally.”

 

“I’m just surprised you’re sane enough to act a little like your old self…” Michael trails off, his eyes trained on the floor. Calum’s still clutching onto Ashton like his life depends on it, his face completely hidden in the oldest boy’s shoulder.

 

Ashton glances past both of them, his eyes searching. “Luke?”

 

Michael swallows hard. “He was…most shaken, by what happened…he’s cutting himself, Ash. And he hears voices and sees things that tell him to kill himself…it’s so bad…we’ve tried to help him, but we can’t…it’s only you…”

 

A ball of regret grows in Ashton’s stomach- he anticipated something like this would happen. He knew that Luke would take it harder than Cal and Mikey- he and Luke have always been the closest.

 

“Cal, love,” Ashton says gently. “Can you move for a bit? I promise I’ll hold you after I hug Lukey, alright?”

 

Calum’s head snaps up- his eyes wide with panic. “You’re not leaving again, are you?”

 

Ashton’s heart breaks at that. The true damage this has done to them is coming out- and although he knew it wouldn’t be pretty- he can’t imagine how broken they must be. It’s heart-wrenching.

 

“I’ll be here forever, Cal,” he promises. “I need to make sure Lukey’s okay- Mike said he’s cutting…”

 

Calum nods shakily, and backs away. Michael catches him in his arms, and they both cry, their sobs silent- but just as painful, leaving Ashton to turn his attention to the boy standing still in the doorway.

 

“Lukey? Baby, it’s me,” Ashton coaxes. The use of baby is strictly platonic. Luke is his baby brother- and he obviously looks like he needs the soft words of comfort right now.

 

Luke stiffens. “A-Ash…”

 

“I’m here, Luke. Come on,” Ashton says, holding open his arms.

 

Luke jerks slightly, walking toward him- and Ashton can see him visibly trembling, his body shaking violently.   


“Oh, Lukey…” Ashton sighs heavily. “Baby…”

 

Luke stands rigidly at his bedside, lip quivering. “H-Hi Ash…”

 

Ashton shakes his head. “You don’t have to be scared of me, Luke. I’m still your Ashton- eighteen months hasn’t changed that. I love you. Please, come here?”

 

And that sparks something in Luke. Ashton watches his eyes change- dark and cold become pained, vulnerable, and just plain _exhausted_. Luke has been carrying so much of a burden on his shoulders- and Ashton finds it extremely heartbreaking. Luke didn’t deserve that- the weight of guilt, loss, pain, and so much more. He had no one to go to- Ashton knows that Luke only feels comfortable opening up to him.

 

Luke’s eyes flash, and before Ashton knows it, his youngest brother is buried in his chest- _sobbing_. Luke’s cries are hysterical, almost inhuman. Full to the brim with agony- Luke just breaks down against him, and Ashton sighs, rubbing his back gently and leaning down to kiss his hair. He’s missed this so much- he’s missed _all_ of them so much. They’re his everything.

 

“Guys?”

 

Ashton glances to his other two brothers, beckoning them over. Calum rushes to his other side immediately,  and Mikey climbs over the railing at the end of his bed, sitting on Ashton’s knees- in the middle of Luke and Calum.

 

Their reactions are normal- Ashton knows that he just has to let them get it out. They’ve kept so much in these past months- and he knows that they just need to break. They deserve that much.

 

And somehow- even with all three of his brothers crying against him- Ashton doesn’t think life has ever felt more complete.


End file.
